THE INTERNATIONAL break is over and domestic football returned to the land, bringing with it joy, despair and the inevitable defeat for Southampton.

Let’s start with joy (it might make the despair a little easier to handle) and an empathic triumph for West Ham.  Emile Heskey is the toast of the country after his comeback during the week but it appears that Middlesborough have been basing their game too literally on his.  They surged forwards and created a hatful of chances only to miss them in every conceivable way.  The no-nonsense east Londoners had no time for this and smashed in three goals themselves to win 3-0 (coincidently the same score that England plus Heskey won their games by, hmmm).

It was a day to forget for Spurs fans at White Hart Lane on Saturday.  Arsenal’s Alco-pop drinking, hoodie wearing, bus stop loitering side were too good for their north London rivals.  Martin Jol looks to be on his way out at the Lane, once again seeing his expensively assembled side perform below par.  A reason for this may be that Tottenham recruited a certain John Ferguson to oversee their purchases this summer.  A club spokesman, who looked remarkably like Simon Crisford claimed, “You can only play the hand you’re dealt”.

No doubt the most exciting game of the weekend was Ebbsfleet’s 5-4 home victory over Kidderminster.  The start was delayed by 30 minutes after an entrepreneurial local had convinced the Kidderminster team coach that he was marshalling the coachpark.  They parted with £10 and the “steward” showed them in and promptly disappeared.  It was only when the team were greeted on their way out by a local bobby, who suggested that the team had broken into this local factory car park, did they realise they’d been the victims of some Gravesend hustling.  Anyway the home side flew into a 3-0 half time lead, but an arresting second half performance from James Constable almost snatched it for the visitors.  “I’d have kicked my own granny for a win today” exalted Fleet manager Daish.  He’s learning.

Chelsea looked to end the 21 game unbeaten run of Blackburn at Stamford Bridge.  They failed, producing a rather stagnant 0-0 draw.  Some bloke called Andrei had the best chance of the game missing a header from 12 centimetres out.  However as the ball rebounded off the ‘keeper he connected absolutely perfectly with defender Christopher Samba’s head, knocking him unconscious.  I mention this, as I don’t want you to be surprised when you see the new Chelsea ball next week.

Everton succumbed to a late Manchester United goal this week, as so many others have over the years.  Not only did United centre back Vidic have to put up with ditzy defensive partner Rio Ferdinand, he scored the only goal of the game with a header the force of a missile.  Sir Alex Ferguson had a runner at Lingfield this week. It didn’t run too badly either, doing much of its best work late on.

Finally to Southampton and Newcastle, both deemed worthy of being main televised games.  Well…the Saints…erm… well, bottled it and lost.  In the last minute, having been in front.  Darius Henderson scored twice late on to steal it for Watford but Southampton’s defending resembled that of characters created by another Henderson.  The Muppets.

It’s been a tough week in the northeast with the goings on at Northern Rock.  The Government has promised savers that their money is safe, if only such assurances could be made of Newcastle’s on pitch performances.  Unbeaten this season and off the back of a good win against Wigan they somehow lost to Derby, yes they really did.  Big Sam left early, looking seriously annoyed and I don’t think he was off to queue outside his local branch.